The Effects of Childhood Abandonment in Adulthood

Although there are laws to combat it, childhood abandonment still, unfortunately, happens every day. Childhood abandonment could include instances in which a parent physically abandons or gives up their child, as well as when the child is made to feel abandoned in other ways (such as through loss or neglect).

Abandonment not only affects a child’s development, but it also has long-term consequences that last well into adulthood. If you’re experiencing the effects of being abandoned as a child, there is hope of recovery. Here’s how childhood abandonment could impact you as an adult, and how you can seek support if you need it.

What is childhood abandonment?

Childhood abandonment is when a parent or caregiver does not provide a child with an environment that offers safety or adequate access to basic needs, care, attention, and support. Childhood abandonment can happen intentionally or unintentionally.

As shocking as it might seem, child maltreatment and neglect is pretty common. In the United State, roughly 1 in 7 children have experienced abuse or abandonment^[1].

And while many laws have been enacted in the last several decades to combat it, a history of childhood abandonment has existed for thousands of years. The lingering effects of this type of childhood traumatic experience can be seen and felt into adulthood.

Childhood abandonment can happen in many ways, including physical abandonment, emotional neglect, and unintentional abandonment due to sickness or death.

Physical abandonment

Physical abandonment is when a parent physically separates from a child. It’s the type of abandonment we think of most often when we hear the word, like a parent leaving their child in front of a fire station or at a hospital.

Physical abandonment can also include physical neglect, which is when a parent doesn’t physically give up the child but doesn’t provide for their physical needs.

Signs of physical neglect might include:

• Poor personal hygiene or physical appearance
• Lack of clothing and supplies to meet basic needs
• Lack of or inadequate access to food; food hoarding behaviors
• Inadequate or inconsistent shelter/housing
• Inadequate attention to healthcare needs (medical, dental, dietary, psychological, etc)

Emotional neglect

Emotional neglect is a lack of attention or awareness of a child’s emotional and developmental needs. This might involve a parent or guardian actively ignoring a child’s need for love, support, or attention.

Signs of emotional neglect might include:

• Difficulty expressing or managing emotions
• Social withdrawal
• Difficulty making or sustaining relationships
• Anxiety
• Depression

Parents/guardians might be emotionally unavailable due to other issues such as substance use disorders, mental health conditions, and poverty. These issues potentially hinder their ability to be present and active in a child’s life.

Abandonment through death or loss

There are times when children are abandoned, not because any one person is at fault, but simply because a parent or guardian dies. Abandonment through death or loss can be just as hurtful and emotionally damaging as other forms of abandonment.

Long-term effects of childhood abandonment

The effects of childhood abandonment don’t go away when the child gets older. Many adults who were abandoned as children continue to experience the harmful consequences. A lot of this has to do with how abandonment and neglect can impact the developing brain.

Effects of neglect on the developing brain

Childhood abandonment can have a profound effect on the developing brain in the early stages of life that continue well into adulthood^[2]. Meaningful and connected relationships are a crucial aspect of development; without those relationships, children’s development and well-being can be negatively impacted.

Neglect and abandonment alter how the brain develops and can cause cognitive delays that affect a child’s memory, their ability to plan, and focus their attention – all crucial skills for learning and development.

Chronic, or long-term, neglect is associated with a prolonged stress response that can lead to difficulty regulating emotions, poor impulse control, low self-confidence, and low level of enthusiasm.

All of these factors can contribute to behavioral and psychological effects in adulthood.

Effects on adult relationships

Childhood abandonment can also greatly impact our relationships later in life. Research in Attachment Theory suggests that our early relationships and emotional bonding can influence the way we form relationships, or not, throughout life.

Without safe and dependable relationships, a child may develop an insecure attachment style and struggle to have healthy, meaningful relationships in adulthood. An insecure attachment style as an adult might show up as a fear of abandonment. In relationships, a fear of abandonment might look like fast, intense attachment to a partner or intense feelings of anxiety when away from one’s partner.

On the opposite side, some people may develop an extreme sense of independence. They might experience a fear of being too dependent, feeling like they can never allow themselves to count on anyone else for help or support, and struggle with fully committing to a relationship.

Effects on self-esteem

Self-esteem is another cognitive concept that develops and is shaped in the early stages of life. Developing a healthy sense of self-esteem can be attributed to attentive, responsive caregivers who help validate a child’s sense of self.

Caregivers, attentive or not, shape the way a child comes to see themselves. Without attentive, responsive caregivers, children might develop strong feelings of self-doubt, low self-confidence and self-worth. When a child is abandoned, they may develop a core belief that they aren’t lovable or worthy. Children may internalize and blame themselves for the parent’s abandonment. It is also possible that a child might develop an overestimation and false sense of self that is unrealistic.

Mental health effects

In general, childhood maltreatment is linked to a higher risk for mental illness. At a young age, a lack of responsive relationships creates stress and activates the body’s stress response system. A prolonged lack of responsiveness develops into a toxic stress response that alters the architecture of the brain and body systems.

A number of mental health conditions are thought to be associated with childhood abandonment. For example, in borderline personality disorder (BPD), a key feature is a fear of abandonment. Although many factors can lead to BPD, the intense fear of abandonment is rooted in some type of childhood trauma. Childhood abandonment isn’t a singular cause of BPD, but it can contribute to its development. And studies show that BPD is associated with childhood abuse and neglect more often than any other mental health condition^[3].

Other mental health conditions believed to have connections to abandonment are:

• Anxiety
• Codependency
• Depression

Effects on behavior

With the potential impacts on the developing brain, childhood abandonment can also affect behavior. One study found that childhood abandonment and trauma may contribute to violent offenses^[4].

Of course, a violent offense could be related to other changes that happen to the developing brain in abandonment. Hypersensitivity to criticism, increased mistrust, poor impulse control, and poor emotional regulation are factors that could compound to create an environment where a violent offense happens — all of which have been linked to childhood abandonment.

Signs of abandonment issues in adults

What are some of the signs that a person may have been impacted by abandonment as a child?

• They need constant reassurance they’re loved and won’t be abandoned.
• They reject people before being rejected themselves.
• They have a pattern of volatile relationships or going from one relationship to another.
• They have a core belief that they are unlovable.
• They may engage in self-harm or have other mental health challenges.
• They behave very “needy” in relationships or are overly dependent on relationships.
• They experience extreme jealousy in relationships.
• They are overly people-pleasing or forgo their own needs in order to please others.
• They have a hard time trusting others.
• They have an unhealthy sense of independence and have a difficult time asking for support.
• They lack boundaries in relationships.
• They have trouble communicating their own needs.
• They worry excessively or ruminate about loved ones leaving them, either intentionally or through death.

To be clear, a fear of abandonment can come from many root causes, of which childhood abandonment is only one. Many people have a fear of abandonment even if they weren’t abandoned as children.

How to heal from abandonment issues

While the void left by abandonment often leads us to experience some or all of the effects outlined above, there are ways to heal from abandonment issues.

While it may not be possible to go back and change the past, it is possible to acknowledge the damage and pain of what happened, to begin to change your mindset, and develop healthy coping strategies for the times when abandonment issues surface.

Change doesn’t happen as quickly as many would like, but committing to healing is the first step on the road ahead.

Get to know your inner child

The concept of the inner child is really just another way to acknowledge that the wounds we experience in childhood remain throughout our lives.

By imagining ourselves as a child, we can reconnect with the person we were at the time of the trauma. We can begin to come to terms with the impact of our abandonment. We can see through our adult eyes that what happened was not okay. We can offer ourselves the kind of love, care, and protection we missed out on as a result of being abandoned.

We can also listen to the part of us that is scared, sad, lonely, or angry. We can tell ourselves we are safe now, we didn’t do anything wrong, and we are loved. We can begin to accept our wounds and look for ways to backfill the things we didn’t receive, whether that’s learning, material goods, or emotional support.

Reconnecting with our feelings

After learning to cut off from our feelings as a protective coping strategy, reconnecting with our feelings can be an overwhelming prospect.

Emotions are the body’s way of keeping us out of danger, and of driving us to act. Good examples of this include anger telling us that something is unjust or requires protection. Fear keeps us safe by communicating when we should escape or hide. Sadness alerts us to the loss of something important.

The thing about emotions is we cannot pick and choose which ones to experience. We have to open ourselves up to the full range of emotions if we want to feel joy, love, and happiness.

If you have responded to abandonment trauma by disconnecting from your feelings, relearning is possible. This is known as emotional literacy.

The Feelings Wheel is a helpful tool for identifying what you might be feeling, and helping you to find the words to describe what you’re feeling. There is another version – the Emotion Sensation Feelings Wheel – designed to help describe what emotions feel like in the body.

It can be helpful to seek out a mental health professional to support you with this process.

Self care

According to Jonice Webb, PhD, author of ‘Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect’, there are several ways in which you might fall down when it comes to taking care of yourself and your own needs.

She says these are skills you can develop in adulthood, given time and conscious effort.

1. Nurturing. This refers to helping yourself have a healthy, enjoyable life through putting yourself first (including saying no, asking for help, honoring your likes and dislikes, and prioritizing your own enjoyment) eating, exercise, and rest and relaxation.
2. Self discipline. This is about making yourself do things you don’t want to do and stopping yourself from doing things you shouldn’t do, something those with abandonment issues may find difficult.
3. Self soothing. Children whose emotions are accepted, tolerated, and soothed internalize this ability, and use it through life. List out the healthy self-soothing strategies that work for you in times of stress or distress.

Self compassion

Self compassion is another area in which you might fall down when it comes to taking care of yourself and your needs. Self compassion just means giving ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.

Dr. Kristin Neff is one of the world’s leading researchers on self compassion. She runs the Center for Mindful Self Compassion where she studies how we develop and practice self compassion.

Her research has identified three elements of self compassion:

Self kindness vs self judgment: Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals.

Common humanity vs isolation: Recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.

Mindfulness vs over identification: Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore and feel compassion for our pain at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with our thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.

Dr. Neff’s work includes developing guided practices and exercises designed to help you to develop your self compassion.

Shame in particular requires empathy, as well as self compassion, to heal. Shame is a social emotion. In other words, it happens between people which therefore means that it requires healing alongside others. Talking therapy is a particularly helpful method for healing shame as you work alongside a therapist who supports you from an empathic and supportive stance.

When you are struggling with abandonment trauma, it may feel as though you will never get your life back, and that things will never go back to usual. But there is HOPE – proven treatment is available to help you through each step of your journey towards wellness.

Treatment for trauma and PTSD at The Center ● A Place of HOPE

There is no doubt about it: childhood abandonment is a form of childhood trauma that can have severe consequences in adulthood. But, as with any other form of trauma, recovery is possible.

At The Center ● A Place of HOPE, we offer a unique trauma recovery program using our proven Whole Person Care method. Whole Person Care means that we see and honor who you are beyond the trauma you’ve been through.

We go as deep as we need to address your medical, physical, psychological, emotional, relational, familial, nutritional, fitness and spiritual needs and help you emerge as your true and full self. We help people who have experienced childhood abandonment as well as emotional and sexual abuse.

Childhood abandonment doesn’t need to impact you this way forever. There is hope.

[1] https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/fastfact.html
[2] https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/inbrief-the-science-of-neglect/
[3] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5472954/
[4] https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1993-18067-001