How to Tell if Someone Is Gaslighting You

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic that’s used to make you feel as though you can’t trust yourself. Someone who gaslights you might make you feel like you’re crazy or make you doubt things you know to be true. In essence, gaslighting makes you question your reality.

The term “gaslight” originates from a 1940s movie of the same name. In the movie, a man manipulates his wife with the end goal of institutionalizing and controlling her. He convinces her that she is a kleptomaniac. In the process, he makes her feel crazy when, in reality, she’s not^[1].

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. If you think someone might be gaslighting you, it’s important to get support so you can decide how to move forward and heal from the relationship.

Signs of gaslighting

The first step to healing from gaslighting is to recognize it. Unfortunately, gaslighting can be notoriously difficult to spot while it’s happening to you.

In the film Gaslight, the wife, Bella (who is being gaslit), starts questioning her sanity and perception of reality. This is what happens when you are being gaslighted. It’s such a challenging behavior to become aware of because the nature of gaslighting itself makes you doubt yourself. You might think, “Is this gaslighting, or am I being dramatic?” “Is this abuse, or did I do something wrong?”

Although we tend to think of gaslighting as something that happens within romantic relationships, it’s essential to know this type of abuse can occur in any relationship. For example, your boss, doctor, teacher, or parent can gaslight you.

Because of the self-doubt it causes, gaslighting can be incredibly hard to notice. But some signs that someone is gaslighting you include:

• They insist something happened when you know it didn’t
• They tell you you’re lying when you’re telling the truth
• They twist facts around so you end up being the one to blame
• They call you crazy when you try to confront them about their behavior
• They always refuse to accept your version of events in any way
• They tell you they wouldn’t have to behave in the way they do if you didn’t make them (they make you take the blame for things that are not your
• fault)
• They minimize the harm they cause you; for example, they might insist something hurtful was just a joke
• They isolate you from loved ones who could back up your perception of reality
• They repeatedly lie to you and insist it’s the truth, even when you’ve caught them red-handed
• They tell you that other people also think you’re crazy or to blame (whether or not others do think so)
• They inform you they behave the way they do because they love you, and if you can’t see that, then it’s your problem
• They deflect any blame away from them and onto other people, including you
• They minimize your needs; for example, when you ask them for more support around the house, they might say you’re too needy
• They pretend to “forget”; for example, they might insist they “don’t remember” incidents in which they’ve hurt or betrayed you.
• They invalidate or deny your emotions; they might even say you don’t feel the way you feel (or you don’t know how you feel)
• They withhold important information, setting you up to fail
• They accuse you of being paranoid or not trusting them enough

Although gaslighting can look and sound many different ways depending on the context, you might hear a gaslighter say things like:

• You’re crazy. That did not happen.
• You’re exaggerating. It wasn’t that big of a deal.
• I wouldn’t have had to hit you if you hadn’t made me so mad.
• You know that I only do that because I love you.
• Your friend only supports you because you didn’t tell her the whole story.
• Are you really going to treat me like this after everything I’ve done for you?
• It was just a joke. Lighten up.
• I don’t remember what I was doing last night. Would you stop bothering me about it?
• You’re paranoid, and you need to trust me more. How insecure are you?
• You think you’re perfect? You obviously don’t remember it right then.
• You’re not really that hurt, stop being so dramatic.
• You’re delusional.
• Now, you’re just confusing me. What are you even talking about?
• Did your friend tell you that nonsense? You know I’m the only one you can really trust.
• Boohoo, poor you. You don’t even have any real problems.
• Your friends only put up with you because they don’t know the real you.
• You secretly hate me, you just don’t know it.
• You need help. I don’t even know what to say to you.
• How does gaslighting affect you?
• Gaslighting is psychological or emotional abuse. And like all forms of abuse, it can have a profoundly harmful effect on your mental health.

Many people who have experienced gaslighting face the following effects:

Lack of trust in yourself

By definition, gaslighting makes you doubt yourself and your perception of reality. After being told continuously you are mistaken, your memory is wrong, and you are crazy, it’s easy for people who have been gaslighted- especially over a long period- to start questioning themselves.

After experiencing gaslighting, you may find it harder to trust your sanity. You might find yourself frequently questioning yourself and being plagued with self-doubt.

Feeling powerless

Being the victim of gaslighting can also make you feel powerless in your own life. You may have been in a situation that was difficult or even dangerous to get out of. You may have been aware the situation was toxic, but the person who abused you may have made it impossible for you to leave.

The person who abused you may have also gaslighted you into believing you had no power. They may have even made you feel like the abuse was your fault or you deserved it in some way. This may have caused you to resign yourself to any abuse inflicted upon you.

Poor self-esteem

Criticism is often a big part of gaslighting. You may have been told over and over again you were crazy, delusional, unworthy, and more. Understandably, this may have negatively affected your self-esteem over time.

When you are told these criticisms repeatedly, you may start to believe these things about yourself. This is especially true if the gaslighting happened while you were still a child.

Damaged relationships

Another essential aspect of gaslighting is isolating you from friends, family, and loved ones. The person who abused you may have tricked you into believing nobody else loves you. They may have alienated you from your loved ones so that you wouldn’t have any support.

If you’ve been in an abusive relationship for a long time, then you may find your relationships with other people are no longer as strong as they could be. The time you spent isolated may have made loved ones drift away. This is significant, as having a solid social support network is imperative to healing from the mental health effects of gaslighting.

Depression and anxiety

You might also become depressed or anxious after experiencing gaslighting. Depression and anxiety are severe mental health conditions, and the causes of them are complex. Although gaslighting doesn’t directly cause either depression or anxiety, it could heighten your risk of developing these conditions.

Research shows, for example, that women who are the victims of domestic abuse or other trauma are more likely to develop mental health conditions like depression or anxiety^[2]. Research has also linked childhood emotional abuse with depressive symptoms as an adult^[3].

One study found that victims of emotional abuse were more likely to report depression, anxiety, stress, and neuroticism and that the effects of emotional abuse could be even more damaging than physical abuse^[4].

Why do people gaslight?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is defined by The National Domestic Violence Hotline as:

When someone uses non-physical tactics to control or manipulate a person or intentionally damage their self-esteem.

Emotional abuse tactics are designed to belittle, isolate, and frighten the person on the receiving end. Gaslighting is a very specific form of emotional abuse which takes the form of manipulating the other person for their own benefit, at huge psychological cost to the victim.

Once the victim of gaslighting has begun to believe and internalize the idea they are unreliable, forgetful, and/or confused, the perpetrator has achieved their initial goal. Now, they are free to control their victim’s behavior and also – importantly – to avoid taking responsibility and accountability for their own behavior, subtly turning critical conversations about their own behavior into critiques of their partner.

People who gaslight may or may not be aware of their own behaviors. Those who are aware of their gaslighting behavior are likely to be using it as one in a range of planned ways to gain control and power over their victim. Those who are not aware of their gaslighting behavior may have been raised in a family where gaslighting was common, and learned this way of operating through first-hand experience.

Either way, the controlling behavior exists in place of more healthy ways of relating. However, the motives of a gaslighter do not matter to the victim of gaslighting who is likely to experience more and more damage the longer it goes on.

If you are reading this article and recognize gaslighting behaviors in yourself, it is possible to learn new ways of relating. The best way to heal is to work through your early experiences, psychological suffering, emotional abuse, and many other issues, while receiving support from a trained professional.

Please get in touch with us for more information on how the team at The Center • A Place of HOPE can help you recover.

Who is at risk of gaslighting?

Gaslighting most often occurs within a romantic relationship but it can also happen in friendships, within family dynamics, or even in the workplace. In any relationship where one person is seeking to have control over the other, gaslighting could be happening. Gaslighting in medical settings has been documented^[5], as has legal gaslighting^[6]. It can also be applied to different groups in the form of cultural gaslighting such as racial gaslighting^[7] or even by a political administration^[8].

In terms of the type of person who finds themselves in a relationship with a gaslighter, it’s important to remember this can happen to anyone. Part of the impact of being gaslighted is you might have been convinced there is something wrong with you or you are somehow to blame. This simply isn’t true, and is one of the tactics a gaslighter uses to erode your sense of self. There is nothing wrong with you, you are not to blame. The gaslighter is responsible for their behavior, not you.

What to do when someone is gaslighting you

Stage one: Realization and acceptance

The path to recovery for victims of gaslighting begins with the realization and acceptance that the other person is gaslighting you. This can take one of two forms:

1. In situations in which gaslighting was motivated by wanting to avoid accountability for secretive behavior (e.g., infidelity), the realization that you are being gaslighted can be quite sudden, often connected to an incident such as reading text messages or emails.
2. For most cases in which there was not some concrete, easily interpretable, singular motivation for gaslighting, the process of realization and acceptance of gaslighting is a slower, gradual one.

Stage two: Reframing

It is only once you have recognized you are being gaslighted that you can view the gaslighter’s actions in a new, more accurate, light. This reframing is fundamental to the process. This is because the gaslighting relies on you believing the gaslighter has your best interests at heart, that they love you, and/or they do not wish you harm.

As you begin to see what is really at play, the foundation of the gaslighting behavior is no longer stable so it becomes less possible for you to be gaslighted. Now, you can interpret your gaslighter’s behavior in a way that is more in keeping with their motivations.

Once this reframing has happened and the gaslighting cycle has been disrupted, victims often begin to find ways to recover, which can include ending the relationship.

A note on ending relationships with gaslighting individuals:

While much advice on gaslighting in romantic relationships recommends victims leave the abusive relationship, this is not always possible. There could be practical issues such as the safety of children and pets, shared property, and insufficient financial resources.

Stage three: Spending time with others

Whether victims leave their abusers or not, spending more time with others is crucial to recovery. This reverses the process that happened at the beginning of the relationship, which was designed to isolate the target of gaslighting from others who might endanger the perpetrator’s plan.

Social time is particularly beneficial if it is spent engaging in activities that independently re-establish self trust or a ‘sense of agency’ (this term refers to the feeling of control over actions and their consequences). Spending time with people who have faith in you helps to re-establish your faith in yourself. This re-builds your sense of self.

There is no ‘right’ way to approach this stage. It’s likely to look different from person to person, so think about what works for you as an individual. Perhaps you enjoy casual conversation, socializing, or playing board games. Perhaps you prefer more active hobbies like sports, dancing, or music. Ultimately, any time spent with others who do not attempt to undermine your agency will be helpful for recovery.

Stage four: Reclaiming yourself

Interestingly, physical activities are often helpful in re-establishing a healthy sense of self and trust in your own abilities. These activities could include yoga, meditation, exercise, sports, games, dancing, and playing music, among others.

Physical movement is a way of developing what’s known as interoceptive awareness or the ability to identify, access, understand, and respond appropriately to the patterns of internal signals. Over time, increased interoceptive awareness contributes to the stability of your self-concept, pulling together its various layers and limiting your susceptibility to outside influences^[9]. In other words, it could mean you are less likely to be the victim of gaslighting again.

Creative activities that require self-reflection, such as journaling, writing or creating art, can also be helpful in allowing you to express yourself and clarify aspects of your self-identity. Performing music is considered a combination of physical and creative activity, making it a definite one to pursue if you are able.

Stage five: The growth stage

Some people who have experienced gaslighting go on to experience psychological growth. This is usually characterized by seeking to establish healthier boundaries or having a “clearer” and “stronger” sense of self. For many, they are left with a feeling of having learned from this negative relationship experience. Likewise, surviving a gaslighting experience can result in being less dependent on others for happiness.

Not everyone is able to manage the experience of being gaslighted, however. If you feel you need support to overcome the abuse you have suffered, help is out there.

How to heal from gaslighting

If you have been the victim of gaslighting, there are ways to heal. Holistic mental health treatment can be a profoundly impactful experience. Going to mental health treatment doesn’t mean your abuser was right and you are “crazy.” It simply means you deserve treatment and care to heal from the abusive ways in which you were treated.

At The Center, we have a unique trauma recovery program to help you dig deep and examine how gaslighting has affected you. Our Whole Person Care approach treats you as a unique individual with physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual needs. We can help trauma survivors regain their life, balance, and happiness.

Our emotional abuse treatment program can help you heal the deep wounds that have been inflicted upon you through gaslighting and emerge as your true and best self.

1 – https://www.britannica.com/topic/gaslighting
2 – https://www.womenshealth.gov/mental-health/abuse-trauma-and-mental-health
3 – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6375578/
4 – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7683637/
5 – The toxic power dynamics of gaslighting in medicine, Sarah Fraser
6 – Legal gaslighting, Alvin YH Cheung
7 – Davis, A.M. and Ernst, R. (2022) “Racial gaslighting,” in Politics of protest: Readings on the black lives matter movement. S.l.: ROUTLEDGE.
8 – The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life, Robin Stern, New York: Harmony Books, 2018, 271 pp.
9 – Monti, A., Porciello, G., Panasiti, M.S. et al. The inside of me: interoceptive constraints on the concept of self in neuroscience and clinical psychology. Psychological Research 86, 2468–2477 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1007/s00426-021-01477-7